Dear Mr. Steinbrenner,
Thank you thank you thank you thank you for signing AJ Burnett to the New York Yankees. Although I despise you and your team, Mr. Burnett is a key member of my fantasy baseball keeper team. For your next move that enhances both of our teams, I would suggest trading for Prince Fielder. Thanks again.
Your friend,
Justin
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3 comments:
Dear Justin,
Thank you for your lovely letter of thanks. However, it is misguided. I sign players like Burnett and Sabathia to billion dollar contracts to rack in the dough from luxury seats and normal seats which only the super rich can afford, and not for po' upper-middle class shmoes like you. Plus, I don't give a crap about your fantasy team. That's why I have ARod playing 3B instead of shortstop and refuse to fill first base with a replacement level player who could fall into 20 HRS and 100 RBIs on this team.
Seasons Greetings,
Hank Steinbrenner
Hank, please move Jeter to CF this year and ARod to SS. Multi-position eligibility rules. Further, trade for James Loney. He'll hit .300 w/20 HR and drive in 140 runs yearly for the Yankees thus delighting his fantasy owners from coast to coast.
P.S. you're kind of a douchebag . . . don't let that affect your decision to accept my suggestions though.
Gentlemen,
On behalf of Mr. Hank Steinbrenner and Mr. Hal Steinbrenner, I would like to remind you each that the New York Yankees are committed to winning. Indeed, the ball club has won 26 World Championships. The franchise is committed to the concept that price equals performance, so please expect that all additions to the team will be players whose cost is significantly above the average for any given position on the field. Although the Yankees Tampa-based brain trust actively maintains a list of players represented by Scott Boras, they always welcome suggestions regarding potential acquisitions, particularly among Cuban nationals of questionable vintage and Japanese players with no major league experience. Please feel free to direct any recommendations to my attention.
With warmest regards,
Howard J. Rubenstein
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